Bumping Uglies
by AquilusNyx
Summary: Anonymity 'verse one-shot. So Puck has some questions, which gives Harry some questions, which lead to Kurt having some concerns. Set pre-Notoriety.


A/N: This story is the first of the Sexual Experimentation for the Borderline Asexual series, set within the Anonymity 'verse. This particular one is set about a week prior to the beginning of Notoriety, but after Anonymity. Warnings for sexual discussion and Puck being Puck. Enjoy!

* * *

"So, Harry," Puck greeted the wizard one Tuesday morning. "You and Hummel doin' it yet or what?"

Harry froze with his books half way out of his locker. Behind him Mercedes groaned and smacked a hand to her forehead.

"I'm... sorry?" Harry looked at the taller boy warily, glancing around the hallway at the students milling about. "Doing it means... having sex, right?"

"Yeah!" Puck enthused, making an obscene gesture with one hand and his ring finger. "You know. Dancing the horizontal tango. Playing Brokeback Mountain. Making gay babies. Hiding your man sausage in his hotdog bun. Plundering for booty in his Captain's Cabin. Making him ride your disco stick. Doin' it."

Harry stared at him with wide eyes, "Everything you say is confusing and frightening."

"Puckerman, it is none of your damn business whether our boys are bumpin' uglies yet," Mercedes sighed and patted Harry on the shoulder soothingly. "Don't worry about it, boo. Puck's just a perve."

"Nuh-uh!" Puck insisted, then paused. "Well, yeah, kind of, but I'm curious! Hummel's so freaking put together it would take a miracle to get the stick out of his ass, and you can't even hear Santana say 'wanky' without blushing. How the hell are you going to get down and dirty and lick one another's dicks?"

Harry wasn't proud of the terrified whimper he let out at this point, but at least it made Mercedes put herself protectively between Puck and the smaller boy, "Puckerman! Quit traumatising Harry! He and Kurt are going at their own, private pace. It ain't your business, it ain't my business, it ain't no body's damn business but their own!"

There was a long pause while Puck looked thoughtfully, considering Mercedes' declaration. Then he turned to the still blushing Harry and asked, "So top or bottom?"

"Puck!" Mercedes slapped him on the arm and covered her mouth. Harry looked up at him fearfully.

"I - I don't know what that means," he admitted, then braced himself for Puck's explanation.

"Dude, really? The person who tops sticks it in the ass, and the person who bottoms takes it up the ass. You really are a virgin, huh?" Puck demonstrated with his fingers and his fist as he described the acts, and Harry blanched a little.

"Y-yeah," he stammered, looking down at his feet. _Just when you think you can't blush any harder, Puck decides to play charades._"Kurt and I just kiss. I don't know about any of that stuff. Why - I mean, does the person on... bottom... get anything out of it?"

"Oh my God," Mercedes sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. Harry shot her an apologetic look.

"Sorry, Mercedes, I just - I'd kind of like to know what he's talking about."

"Whatever, I don't want to know," she shook her head, picking her bag up. She made a frustrated noise and walked away, linking arms with Tina as she passed her in the leaned forward eagerly.

"Seriously? You're asking me about sex stuff?" the taller boy grinned widely. Harry leaned back a little.

"Uh - yes?" the wizard bit his lip, eyes firmly on his feet. "I guess so? I just - I want to know. Do you mind?"

"Dude, fuck no. It's, like, my area of expertise," Puck frowned suddenly, pulling back a little. "Just sex, I mean. Not gay sex. Not from, like, experience. No homo."

"Of course," Harry stammered out, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. _That's right, Puck, preserve your masculinity. I am so likely to judge you for that. _"So... the, uh, bottom...?"

"Oh, yeah. Apparently some guys really like taking it," Puck shrugged, leaning against Harry's now closed locker. Harry found himself listening eagerly as Puck went on - embarrassing or not, he had to learn sometime, right? "I never did it - bottoming, I mean, I've done anal with some MILFs - but according to the Internet it feels super good if you do it right."

"Oh," Harry glanced around nervously, leaning forward when he didn't see anyone watching them. "W-why?"

Puck's smirk was amused, "Dude, you getting interested? Because I will be super proud if I get you and Kurt into one another's pants. That would be, like, the crowning achievement of Sex Shark-ery."

Harry cringed, "No! I just mean - well, it will probably happen at some point, right? And I've been too scared to look at those pamphlets Mr Schue gave us. And Santana doesn't actually know _everything_."

"She probably does, but I wouldn't want to ask her either. That bitch is scary," Puck patted the smaller boy on the head, ignoring the glare he got in response. "I'm happy to be your Sex-Guru. Want do you want to know?"

"Well..." Harry glanced around nervously, then nodded towards a nearby bathroom. "Um, can we...?"

"Yeah, sure," Puck shrugged and swagged over, not seeming bothered by the fact that they were late to class._ I can catch up later, it's just Literature. _The two boys slipped into the bathroom, Puck immediately moving to the mirror to check himself out. Harry quickly checked that they were alone, the joined Puck at the sinks. Puck paused in his flexing and primping to shoot Harry a smirk. "So, you planning on fuckin' Hummel?"

"What? No!" Harry stammered, eyes widening. Puck blinked at him, then quirked an eyebrow.

"...you want him to fuck you?" the mohawked boy guessed, and Harry huffed.

"No. We're not ready for that yet. I just - kissing is fine for now, I don't want more. I just want to understand what we'll be doing when we get there," his voice dropped to a mumble as he finished the sentence. Puck nodded sagely, looking completely at ease with discussing his friends' sex lives.

"I get that. Sex ain't that complicated, though. I mean, it's a little more work for gay dudes, but not by much. It's just about what feels good, you know?" Puck made a vague sweeping motion with his hand. Harry shook his head.

"How the hell am I meant to know what feels good, though? For him, I mean" he wondered, hopping up onto the bench between the sinks. Puck shot him a droll look.

"Dude, you've got a significant advantage here._ You're dating another guy. _Just do what you do to yourself to him," Puck shrugged. Harry sighed.

"But I don't do _anything _to myself," he admitted somewhat tiredly. Puck froze and looked at him with wide eyes.

"You don't..." Puck trailed off, making a crude gesture with his hand. Harry cringed.

"No. I mean, I know how and I know that people do it - I lived in a dorm for five years, so I am _very _aware - but I've just... never had the urge?" the wizard shrugged, picking at his nails. "I feel something with Kurt, though. Hence wanting to learn."

"Harry," Puck began, his voice so serious that Harry looked up in alarm. The Jewish boy's expression was completely solemn. "I need you to write something down."

Harry gave him an odd look, but reached into his bag for a pen and a piece of paper anyway. He looked at Puck expectantly and waited for the oddly serious boy to continue.

"You need to write URL down carefully, and then you need to promise me that you'll go there tonight," Puck urged, and Harry nodded cautiously. Puck took a deep breath. "Okay. It's W W W dot P O R N O T U -"

"Puck!" Harry protested, dropping his pen as though burned. The wizard's face felt like it was on fire again as he blushed and began to scold his friend. "Seriously? I'm not going to-!"

"No, dude, seriously," Puck shook his head, eyes still wide and sincere. "It'll change your life. You'll get so much spank material that your dick will probably fall off."

"How is that a good thing?" Harry deadpanned, dropped his note pad back into his bag with a sigh. "I kind of like my bits where they are, thank you."

"I'm pretty sure you can even set it so you only see gay stuff," Puck tried to persuade him, nudging the smaller boy's shoulder with his elbow. Harry glared up at him.

"No porn, Puck, honestly," Harry huffed, folding his arms over his chest with a pout. "If you're not going to take this seriously-"

"I was totally serious, but fine, be a prude," Puck rolled his eyes and slumped against the wall. "Look, just... sex is simple, okay? It's just about feelin' good and making your partner feel good.. Don't sweat the details. I mean, Hummel's a virgin too, it's not like he's going to be any better off."

"But I don't even know how it works," Harry muttered, shooting himself an annoyed look in the mirror. "I don't even know what people do. Normal people, I mean. Not the ones in porn."  
"That's where the brochures will probably come in handy," Puck shrugged and punched Harry lightly on the shoulder. "It's okay, little man. You're not on, like, a schedule or something. Just do it at your own pace."

Harry looked up at the other boy with disbelieving eyes, and Puck scowled a little, "Hey, I can be mature sometimes. Stop looking so surprised, man!"

"Sorry," Harry smiled a little at Puck's affronted huff. "I know you can be. And you're right. I just really don't want to fuck things up with him."

"You won't, dude," Puck relaxed, smiling reluctantly. He went on as Harry picked up his bag, sounding oddly wistful. "You and Kurt... you got something good, you know? Real. It's not all about sex for you two."

"I know," Harry agreed more gently, his eyes softening at the hint of melancholy in Puck's words. "I'm grateful for it. I love what Kurt and I have."

"Well. Good," Puck mumbled, ducking his head a little and glaring at his shoes. "That's - good. 'Cause not-sex stuff is important too. A bit."

"I know," Harry smiled at the taller boy sympathetically. Puck suddenly snapped his head around to fix Harry with a fierce scowl, pointing at him warningly.

"You don't tell anyone I just said that," he warned the wizard, making Harry bite his lip to keep from laughing. "I'm serious. I got a reputation, dude."

"Your hidden romanticism is safe with me," Harry promised, swinging his bag over his shoulder with a little grin. "We should go to class. Kurt will be wondering where we are."

"Uh, no he won't," Puck shot Harry a half-pitying, half-amused look as they exited the bathroom. "Do you seriously think Mercedes won't have told him exactly where we are?"

_He's right. She would have told him that I - that I skipped class to talk about gay sex with Puck._

Harry stopped dead in his tracks in the hallway, eyes widening with horror, "Oh God."

"Oh yeah. He's totally going to think you're trying to get into his pants. Have fun explaining that one, little dude."

Sure enough, when Harry and Puck wandered into the (teacher-less) class room five minutes later, Kurt was sitting with his arms firmly folded and a scowl attached to his face. Harry crept towards him sheepishly, wincing when Kurt hit him with a raised eyebrow.

"So did you learn anything interesting from Puck?" Kurt asked sweetly. Harry winced.

"I learned that if he tells me to write down a URL, I shouldn't do it," he admitted, smiling a little wryly. This admission made Kurt relax a little, his stony expression melting. Harry slipped into the seat next to him and leaned in close, lowering his voice so the curious Mercedes and Quinn couldn't hear his next words. "Also sex is scary and strange and I'm really, really not ready for it but I think one day I will be with you. I promise Puck was not giving me tips on trying to get you naked sooner."

"Promise?" Kurt teased, relaxing and linking his fingers with Harry's. Harry smiled and raised Kurt's hand to his mouth, pressing a little kiss to his knuckles.

"Promise. And his attempts to coax me to pornography were in vain."

Kurt laughed and tapped Harry on the nose affectionately, "Well, as long as I'm not going to be faced with you, I don't know, bringing me a pizza with your penis in the box, I think we're good."

Harry stared at his boyfriend blankly for a moment, "What."

"Don't ask, sweetie, just something I found in Finn's browser history once. It's best not to ask."


End file.
